


Someone help me

by espepspes



Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [4]
Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, He'll be alright eventually if he listens to Picani but also, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Patton is mentioned for like. a little bit. he's sympathetic because I dislike unsympathetic patton, Therapy, he's a stubborn boi sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22769371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espepspes/pseuds/espepspes
Summary: Virgil goes to therapy, and hopefully, he'll feel better when the session is done.
Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569442
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	Someone help me

**Author's Note:**

> This is NOT an accurate depiction of a therapy session, as I have said in every story before. It's based partially on my own however it's not completely the same and what works for or happens to me, doesn't work or is the same for everyone.  
> TW: Anxiety, PTSD, Swearing, Self-doubt, my own Triggers, Illness mention, and a description of a panic attack.

Virgil frowned and fidgeted with his jacket sleeve. He had been going to sessions longer than everyone else and even recommended Picani to the others but he still felt mild dread when going. Especially after the week he had. There was a lot of feeling fodder. 

He entered the waiting room and nodded to Remy, who pointed towards the room _Peace_. Kinda ironic. His brain hadn’t been peaceful for the last few days. He went in and waited. 

Emile entered and Virgil flinched slightly from the hello that was slightly too loud. "Do you how do this week Virgil?”

“It wasn’t the worst week? And I know that’s not the highest standard considering the October incident and my entire childhood, but like, it wasn’t enough to like. Make me shut down for more than a day?” And rambling was definitely not helping his case. 

“If it made you shut down, then it probably wasn’t a good week. What caused the shutdown?”

The anxious man groaned and rubbed his face. “It was the usual stupid thing that makes me panic. It’s that stupid fucking song again” 

“That’s not a stupid reason Virgil, we’ve figured out that that’s a very potent trigger for your PTSD and anxiety, it makes sense that you were upset. But, usually, that only causes you to try and avoid the area, or leave with a friend. What happened this time that caused it?” Emile pushed up his glasses which were slightly slipping from his face. 

“You know how my Dad has visitation with my siblings and sometimes I’ll come along for them or because I don’t trust him at certain times of the year?” Emile nodded and motioned for him to continue, “Well I guess he forgot or something that it’s a trigger and he started playing the goddamn song again.”

Dr. Picani made an o with his mouth, now understanding the circumstances. “So when he plays it becomes worse.”

“Any version with Guitar. Or most things on guitar besides certain singers.” Sometimes it's hard to breathe when he hears guitar.

“And will those trigger panic or anxiety?” 

Virgil shook his head. “No, most of the time guitar just makes me mildly uneasy. That shitty song… It can make me have a fucking panic attack, however.”

“And is that what happened to cause you to shut down? You had a panic attack?”

“Yeah. It lasted for a bit because I don’t think they realized that I was having one, because I just kinda froze? Like I just sat on that bench and I couldn’t breathe and everything was blurry and I wasn’t exactly sure why until someone tried touching me and I almost _screamed_. Eventually, they realized they didn’t know what the fuck to do- and by-the-fucking-way, my _father_ didn’t even fucking notice and was still playing the stupid fucking song, or maybe he did notice, and just didn’t care, or maybe he didn’t know what else to do and was trying to calm me down or some other fucking bullshit, but that did _not_ help my stupid ass brain which was thrown back to when I was 15.” He took a shuddering breath and then continued onward, “But my little sister realized she didn’t know what the hell to do so she used my phone to call my first emergency contact, which thankfully, was Patton, and he helped me calm down and then got me back to our apartment.”

Emile listened to him rant attentively, and then spoke again, “And when you got home did you feel better or were you more flighty, due to the panic attack before?”

A hollow chuckle escaped Virgil. “It’s been two days since this and I’m still fucking tense. It’s been fucking me up. Roman got excited and accidentally swung his arms near me when he was rambling about a new production, and I freaked out for a few minutes. Dee touched my shoulder while I was doing dishes and I jumped and then broke the goddamn plate when I dropped it. I’ve been, having a go at it and it’s been such a mess.” 

“Have you taken a break since then? Like a break from people, for a couple of hours even?”

“Uh… No?" He shrugged, "Not really. Patton stuck with me the day after to try and I guess… protect me? I don’t know but it felt nice at least to know he cared even if he was a bit clingy. He let off today but with an apartment with 6 people, even if it is a 4 bedroom apartment is cramped.” He winced slightly, enunciating his point. “Really cramped. There’s little privacy and I had a shift this morning anyways so I had to work with people then. And my shift ended around an hour before this so, I went back, got changed and grabbed a snack before getting here.” 

The good doctor seemed like he was pitying Virgil from his expression, which made Virgil mildly uncomfortable since he didn’t like pity. “Virgil, you need to take some downtime for yourself. Powering through your issues and ignoring the repercussions of an event, especially one like a panic attack is harmful to you.”

He released a quiet sigh. “You’ve told me this before Doc, and I know I’m supposed to take a break sometimes but it’s hard." 

“Can you promise me that you’ll take care of yourself? Take an hour to process or just be able to breathe without someone else breathing down your neck.” He tapped his own head lightly with his pencil, “You tend to shield yourself in your mind, trying to put a barrier around events that distress you. And that’s common, and it’s okay to distract yourself sometimes but, you make those walls dense, and hard to break. It becomes a dam, so your emotions are unable to free themselves until the dam breaks and you get overwhelmed. That's not healthy emotionally, and it’s physically taxing as well.” 

“Sorry, Picani but I have work tomorrow and after that, it’s ‘family game night’ and I don’t want to upset them or make them worry about me.”

Emile sighed quietly, “Virgil, I doubt they want you to hurt, and I don’t think they’d like it if you got hurt due to forcing yourself to interact with peo-”

Virgil cut him off. “But I can deal with that, I can handle it, Emile, I don’t want to disappoint them. They don’t need to deal with it... Deal with me. Especially since I already made them concerned, over something that’s really nothing, it’s just a set of chords and some stupid fucking words.”

“That’s not all it is Virgil, and you know it. It triggers some painful memories and events for you, and that’s something you need to just deal with. Let’s try to view this from a different perspective okay?” After Emile saw him look up and loosen, nodding in agreement, he continued. “Let’s think of it like this, if your friend was to have something happen, let’s say, they injured their arm skating, and then immediately went to go do something else that could harm them again or keep the wound from healing, would you let them?”

Virgil sighed, “No, I guess I wouldn’t.”

Emile looked at him, tone serious, but still kind. “Do you think you’d think any less of them for taking some time off to take care of their arm and let it heal?”

“No, but I don’t think I could do the same, and call in sick without a note from a Doctor, and you know that no hospital is going to sign me off of work for this right?”

Dr. Picani deadpanned, “I have a Ph.D. and can actually sign off saying you need a day to rest Virgil since as your therapist I am a reliable source on your health.” 

“...Oh.” 

“Stay after for a few minutes today Virgil, I’m going to sign you a note. Please think about telling your friends to leave you alone for tomorrow and take some time to watch a movie or show or read a book, or draw or something, to calm down. Maybe put on a face mask, maybe take a nap, I’m just telling you, you need to relax tomorrow.” He smiled at him kindly. “Doctor’s orders.”

* * *

i need a moment 

a millisecond,

a grain of sand. 

just beckon the changing tide,

after a pause in between the changing hands. 

i used to wonder if chanting

and standing

and stamping would bring,

a shift in the lands.

and now i wonder if I could take a breath man. 

anxiety is swallowing, 

my brain is stalling,

a winding rhythm, 

a grounding plan.

Someone stop it 

my thoughts are spiraling

and my hands are shaking violently,

my breathing is shaky

and the room is small. 

is this moment my downfall? 

i can't count can't focus, 

and this whole thing has got to be bogus, 

i have to be making this up this can't be real,

the pangs in my chest tells me what i feel. 

it's moments like this i find that air is decadence,

a luxury for which I wish i had the expenses for.

a rhythm, a pace, a flow of words

someone help me my brain is disturbed

was is 5 things, what was it supposed to be, 

see, touch, hear, smell? 

Breathing is difficult how long to do I hold it? 

i couldn't if i tried, 

everything if shifty out of focus, 

give me something to hold,

something to feel, 

something to make my limbs feel real,

and suddenly counting is a breeze,

1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4

with ease.

**Author's Note:**

> This is like,,, so much projection, I'm so sorry,,,  
> If you want to comment or kudos this fic please do, I love any input.


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